Truly Wandering in the Wilderness

This has been the most Lenten season of Lent that I can ever remember! 

I didn't grow up with the tradition of observing Ash Wednesday, or giving up something for Lent.  We were raised more as Easter people; always looking forward with confidence that God "had our back".  That no matter what seemingly tragic event occurred,  God would find a way to use it for good.  Because God is Good All the Time.  All the Time, God is Good.

So I didn't pay much attention to Lent.  And even when I got to seminary, and understood more of the symbolism and theology behind Lent, I didn't really embrace it as a season.  My relationship with God is in a continual state of growth, and the multi-year ordination process initiated a continuous process of self-reflection, so carving out 40 days to "wander in the wilderness" seemed not only unnecessary but also inauthentic to me.  I likened it to the New Year's Resolutions that I used to make on 12/31 and forget about before 1/31.  In fact the only one I ever successfully kept was when I decided to give myself the grace of "lower expectations" for a year!

Of course I participated in all the motions of Lent, but mostly I was holding out for Easter.  Lent was just marking time until "the Big Event" - the best church worship service of the year, followed by an awesome, indulgent Easter brunch with family that I didn't have to cook or clean up!

Then came Lent of 2020.   It's almost as if God said, "I've been trying to get your attention but you're not taking me seriously so I'm going to get serious about this 'disorientation/reorientation' thing and force you out of BAU (business as usual)." Because to be perfectly honest, it's hard to appreciate the gift of new life unless something dies first.

This past month, so many things have died that I've lost count.  And trying to list them all would just depress me.  The most significant deaths have been people, preconceived notions, and expectations that were so firm that I treated them as truths vs. hopes. There have been temptations and choices to be made that have given new meaning to sacred texts that we study during Lent.  Making them very real, and challenging me to rise above my natural human tendencies in response.

So I think I get it now.  Part of me wishes that I didn't.  But another part, the better part, is looking forward to Easter with new insight and deeper anticipation.  And a much greater appreciation for the time that Lent creates for me to pause, reflect, and loosen my grip on "doing" so that I create space to just "be" in the wilderness. Knowing that it won't last forever.  Confident that I will grow while I wander; and that God will help me find a way to use this experience for good.