Flagging Zeal

My heart is heavy this morning and it disturbs me because it's not a feeling that I'm used to having.  Typically I can find joy in even the smallest, silliest things.  In fact sometimes I make fun of myself and my enthusiasm and finding that we have a little strawberry jam left or that I've found just the right size tupperware container for whatever I was trying to squeeze into it.

But not today.  I've tried all of the usual tricks.  Cleaning out a shelf full of stuff that we haven't touched in years (getting organized always gives me a sense of control, no matter how small).  Making one of my favorite "good for you" breakfasts (I'm trying to take better care of myself so that I stand at least some chance of aging gracefully - or at least not suddenly falling apart like a broken down Chevy).  Listening to music (the "stress release playlist").  Even doing a task that I've been procrastinating (so now you know I'm desperate to feel a sense of accomplishment).

So far nothing is working though.  As I pondered "what the heck is wrong with me", I recalled a devotional that was shared at an otherwise non-memorable church committee meeting several years ago.  It came from Romans 12:11 (thank goodness for Google):

11 Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit, serve the Lord (NRSV)

At this point I probably should dig into proper exegesis of this text, but I'm not feeling up to it.  Which is kind of the point.  My zeal is flagging.

That's actually what I recall about the devotional.  The person offering it reflected that his zeal was flagging and he wasn't sure what to do about it.  The weight of the world - the big WORLD and his personal "world" felt like more than he could bear and he was just exhausted.  

I'm pretty sure that at the time we had a great intellectual discussion and then went on with our meeting.  I doubt that I could really relate to that feeling, although I'm sure that I said something seemingly emphatic because I really care about the person who was sharing.

Today though, I can honestly say "I get it".  

Between the hurricanes, the mass shootings, the congressional divides/debates/rhetoric, and the stress caused by our current President's unpredictable, divisive and just plain rude behavior, I'm exhausted.  I feel like I've seen this movie before and it doesn't end well.

Add to that the personal stress of aging - and watching parents and middle-aged friends struggle with the physical and emotional impact of aging at the same time that younger relatives are struggling with the psychological impact of maturing - I'm beyond exhausted. 

My zeal is flagging.

Identifying the problem has made me feel a bit better.  More to come.